The issue:
What the heck am I going to be when I grow up?
I know it may seem to an unaware eye that I have all my ducks in a row. I have a degree and have chosen to move on to pursue my masters in the same field. Agricultural Economics. However, things aren't always as they seem...
During my undergraduate career I was hooked on the idea of feeding people. Understanding the weird, machine-like way that the economy works intrigued me. Producers and agricultural firms responding to the tastes and preferences of consumers and dealing with the all of elements first hand is a neat phenomena.
The summer before my senior year, I completed an internship through Department of Engineering and the Kansas State Pollution Prevention Institute working for Frito Lay. At Frito I acted as their environmental intern. That summer I identified monetary and environmental savings to the company through proposed structural and organizational changes at the facility level. I helped plan and carry out a re-lighting project promoting the use of motion sensors and the elimination of outdated fixtures. I re-routed waste previously being sent to a landfill into hands that could use it. Finally, I also played a small role in those LOUD compost-able Sun Chips bags that have since been removed from the shelves (guilty as charged) as well as a fun on-site recycling campaign for the plant's employees. I LOVED MY JOB. That summer I came back to Manhattan excited to tweak my course of study to incorporate my invigorated passion for the environment.
The summer before my senior year, I completed an internship through Department of Engineering and the Kansas State Pollution Prevention Institute working for Frito Lay. At Frito I acted as their environmental intern. That summer I identified monetary and environmental savings to the company through proposed structural and organizational changes at the facility level. I helped plan and carry out a re-lighting project promoting the use of motion sensors and the elimination of outdated fixtures. I re-routed waste previously being sent to a landfill into hands that could use it. Finally, I also played a small role in those LOUD compost-able Sun Chips bags that have since been removed from the shelves (guilty as charged) as well as a fun on-site recycling campaign for the plant's employees. I LOVED MY JOB. That summer I came back to Manhattan excited to tweak my course of study to incorporate my invigorated passion for the environment.
When the I received the news that a full-time job with Frito Lay had fallen through the cracks I was devastated. Looking back, it wasn't what I wanted and wasn't even the same job I had fallen in love with during my internship. Either way, this drove me to graduate school. The Agricultural Economics department who had always been loyal and supportive of me welcomed be back with open arms. I had always loved the department and appreciated the encouragement I received from my advisors and professors. I was excited to be there.
I will be completely honest, I went in to my first few weeks of graduate school completely cocky. After all I had an advantage, I knew the department back to front, I got my undergraduate degree in the same field, and I had always been an above-average student. That mentality quickly changed. Not only did I feel inadequately prepared for the subject matter, especially math, but I didn't know what I wanted to do! Everyone besides me seemed to have a plan. If they didn't already know what they wanted to research, they knew who they wanted to work with, and what jobs they want after college. I felt lost...and I STILL DO.
My fall semester did not end well. Keep in mind that in graduate school noses are turned up at earning B's. I finished last semester with a less than stellar GPA...something I haven't done since my days of slacking off in high school. I still feel sick about it. To make up for it (and to cover my butt from being kicked out) I have to get AT LEAST 2 A's and a B. No pressure right?
Anyway this semester I have filled my schedule with things I'm good at. Seminar classes. Not any seminar classes, but ones that cause me to disagree with a lot of the foundation my academic background has given me. Viewing environmental problems form a non-economic perspective has pushed my discontent even farther. Am I even a economist?
As if latent self re-evaluation doesn't sound stressful enough, here en lies the real problem: What the heck DO I like? What is my point of view? What masters degree should I have picked?
I know me, I'm resilient. I'll dominate this semester and I will finish this masters degree next spring but why? I don't like the information near as much as everyone else, nor do I spend my free time running regression models like my classmates. So, why am I here?
So that (yes, all of that) is what I'm trying to figure out. It just feels so daunting to pick an academic path that is going to determine your future job if you don't have on in mind. Sometimes I feel like somewhere along the way I missed a passion or a hidden talent that was supposed to lead me to a job meant for me and that feeling sucks. All my potential, money, and energy will be wasted on a masters degree in a field I don't even know if I love?
The more and more I think about it the more I realize I may just have to face the reality that most people don't end up in careers they love or even in the field of which they studied. I guess I just don't like that answer.
Anyway this semester I have filled my schedule with things I'm good at. Seminar classes. Not any seminar classes, but ones that cause me to disagree with a lot of the foundation my academic background has given me. Viewing environmental problems form a non-economic perspective has pushed my discontent even farther. Am I even a economist?
As if latent self re-evaluation doesn't sound stressful enough, here en lies the real problem: What the heck DO I like? What is my point of view? What masters degree should I have picked?
I know me, I'm resilient. I'll dominate this semester and I will finish this masters degree next spring but why? I don't like the information near as much as everyone else, nor do I spend my free time running regression models like my classmates. So, why am I here?
So that (yes, all of that) is what I'm trying to figure out. It just feels so daunting to pick an academic path that is going to determine your future job if you don't have on in mind. Sometimes I feel like somewhere along the way I missed a passion or a hidden talent that was supposed to lead me to a job meant for me and that feeling sucks. All my potential, money, and energy will be wasted on a masters degree in a field I don't even know if I love?
The more and more I think about it the more I realize I may just have to face the reality that most people don't end up in careers they love or even in the field of which they studied. I guess I just don't like that answer.
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